i hadn't realized that it has been well over a year since i had written a piece. i know you must have missed me because i missed me. life goes on and there's so much for us to catch up on. i'll leave that for another post. let's focus on the topic at hand.
as a little girl, i dreamed that one day i would meet my prince charming(i.e. tall, dark, handsome with 6 pack abs & a butt i can bounce a quarter off of) *twinkling eyes* and he would wisk me away on his horse and we would live a life of luxury in a huge castle without a care in the world. don't worry folks i didn't get married and not tell you. that would be extremely rude of me now wouldn't it? i think every girl has that dream of being a fairy princess. afterall, we are trained from such an early age: cinderella, snow white and rapunzel are just a few we know by name. we are never told what happens afterwards. we're left to believe that they live happily ever after without a care in the world. that all their needs are met; that they never argue; that their children grow up to be well-behaved, productive citizens of society and love each other until they grow old & grey.
unfortunately, in some cases that's the furthest thing from the truth. a close friend of mine recently divorced her husband. she expected him to provide for his family; to handle the business necessary so that she could focus on raising their 3 children. instead, after waiting patiently for him to step up to the plate, the illusion wore off and the time came for them to go their separate ways. she's such an amazing person. she's not bitter or angry at him because she sees that he didn't know how to do those things. he didn't have the proper role model and he lacked the ambition to want to do better. the one thing she can't get back is the time they spent together. all she can do now is focus on setting a better example for her kids. she has a strong support system surrounding her(her parents, friends and non-blood related sisters)
a male acquaintance of mine left his wife. what i find intriguing about this case is on the surface they had everything going on: nice house, fancy car, good paying jobs. both of them are young and ambitious under the age of 30. you'd think that when they exchanged their vows they thought it would last forever. it's difficult for me to be impartial because i saw a lot of things that i knew were detrimental to the marriage. i treated him like a brother and she became my client. i would tell him all the time that what he was doing was wrong. if he was that unhappy it was best to leave and not drag her into his mess. a lot of the females he dealt with knew that he was married. hell, i guess in some ways they reveled in the fact because it made them feel better about themselves. she had told me once in passing that they were having problems. she was determined to fight for her marriage. she felt that their strong spiritual connection with the Almighty would prevail and see them through the storm. i guess at some point his heart wasn't in it any more. at least, they didn't have children so no one is growing up asking where did daddy go. he has moved on with his life. he has a condo with a view of downtown. he can party all day & night now and doesn't have to answer to anyone. i wonder if she has moved. i reached out to her but haven't heard anything. i hope this doesn't cause her to close her heart and become bitter. it's understandable because she may feel betrayed that i didn't say anything sooner. it's an awkward place to be because i'm standing on the sidelines. i emphasize with her because i know what it feels like to be cheated on. but i've never been married. i never shared my home with someone and made plans on building a future together only to see it crumble into dust. so who am i to give advice on such a matter?
no one gets married with the intention of getting divorced. when you think about it, we're not taught how to be married. society, family, religion(for those of you who are religious) expects it of us to get married, be fruitful and multiply. but they never teach us how. our mothers never share with us those dark moments when they cried themselves to sleep. when they felt alone and had no one to turn too. they don't tell us how they dealt with the lying, cheating, drinking, gambling or late nights outs because they want to protect us from the pain they felt. our fathers never tell us about their experiences running the streets. my dad always said that he would tell me when i was older. he passed away before he got the chance. he did give me some insight that he was getting his in; juggling multiple women around town. it made me laugh because that wasn't the man i saw in front of me. still, i can only imagine some of the things he did. i wish parents prepared us better for that phase in our life. there are so many conflicting bits of information. most of the relationship experts have been divorced multiple times. how can you take advice from someone who's life is constantly in shambles? what kind of expert is that? we've grown accustomed to searching outside ourselves for answers that we rarely take a moment to be still and listen to that inner voice. in many ways, as we grow into adulthood we stop listening to that intuitive voice because it's so much easier to have someone else tell us what to do. it's time to go back..........time to reflect on how we want to live our lives and stop listening to all the chitta(sanskrit: means negative chatter). in order to build strong communities, we have to have strong unions. there has to be a conscious commitment from both individuals to put more value on the union instead of sex, money and material things. we have to show each other(men/women, men/men, women/women) that we value each other as human beings. that we respect each other and want to only the best for one another. maybe then we'll all live happily ever after and separation/divorce will become a thing of the past. i'd like to recommend the book for the sake of the bride. it was written by a dear friend of mine, kenneth lewis. in it he shares his personal story, antedotes, scriptures and ways to strengthen and preserve one's marriage. the book is available on amazon.com http://tinyurl.com/3vbx27f and any where paperback books are sold.
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