Happily Ever After: A Cautionary Tale

i hadn't realized that it has been well over a year since i had written a piece. i know you must have missed me because i missed me. life goes on and there's so much for us to catch up on. i'll leave that for another post. let's focus on the topic at hand.

as a little girl, i dreamed that one day i would meet my prince charming(i.e. tall, dark, handsome with 6 pack abs & a butt i can bounce a quarter off of) *twinkling eyes* and he would wisk me away on his horse and we would live a life of luxury in a huge castle without a care in the world. don't worry folks i didn't get married and not tell you. that would be extremely rude of me now wouldn't it? i think every girl has that dream of being a fairy princess. afterall, we are trained from such an early age: cinderella, snow white and rapunzel are just a few we know by name. we are never told what happens afterwards. we're left to believe that they live happily ever after without a care in the world. that all their needs are met; that they never argue; that their children grow up to be well-behaved, productive citizens of society and love each other until they grow old & grey.

unfortunately, in some cases that's the furthest thing from the truth. a close friend of mine recently divorced her husband. she expected him to provide for his family; to handle the business necessary so that she could focus on raising their 3 children. instead, after waiting patiently for him to step up to the plate, the illusion wore off and the time came for them to go their separate ways. she's such an amazing person. she's not bitter or angry at him because she sees that he didn't know how to do those things. he didn't have the proper role model and he lacked the ambition to want to do better. the one thing she can't get back is the time they spent together. all she can do now is focus on setting a better example for her kids. she has a strong support system surrounding her(her parents, friends and non-blood related sisters)

a male acquaintance of mine left his wife. what i find intriguing about this case is on the surface they had everything going on:  nice house, fancy car, good paying jobs. both of them are young and ambitious under the age of 30. you'd think that when they exchanged their vows they thought it would last forever. it's difficult for me to be impartial because i saw a lot of things that i knew were detrimental to the marriage. i treated him like a brother and she became my client. i would tell him all the time that what he was doing was wrong. if he was that unhappy it was best to leave and not drag her into his mess. a lot of the females he dealt with knew that he was married. hell, i guess in some ways they reveled in the fact because it made them feel better about themselves. she had told me once in passing that they were having problems. she was determined to fight for her marriage. she felt that their strong spiritual connection with the Almighty would prevail and see them through the storm. i guess at some point his heart wasn't in it any more. at least, they didn't have children so no one is growing up asking where did daddy go. he has moved on with his life. he has a condo with a view of downtown. he can party all day & night now and doesn't have to answer to anyone. i wonder if she has moved. i reached out to her but haven't heard anything. i hope this doesn't cause her to close her heart and become bitter. it's understandable because she may feel betrayed that i didn't say anything sooner. it's an awkward place to be because i'm standing on the sidelines. i emphasize with her because i know what it feels like to be cheated on. but i've never been married. i never shared my home with someone and made plans on building a future together only to see it crumble into dust. so who am i to give advice on such a matter? 

no one gets married with the intention of getting divorced. when you think about it, we're not taught how to be married. society, family, religion(for those of you who are religious) expects it of us to get married, be fruitful and multiply. but they never teach us how. our mothers never share with us those dark moments when they cried themselves to sleep. when they felt alone and had no one to turn too. they don't tell us how they dealt with the lying, cheating, drinking, gambling or late nights outs because they want to protect us from the pain they felt. our fathers never tell us about their experiences running the streets. my dad always said that he would tell me when i was older. he passed away before he got the chance. he did give me some insight that  he was getting his in; juggling multiple women around town. it made me laugh because that wasn't the man i saw in front of me. still, i can only imagine some of the things he did. i wish parents prepared us better for that phase in our life. there are so many conflicting bits of information. most of the relationship experts have been divorced multiple times. how can you take advice from someone who's life is constantly in shambles? what kind of expert is that? we've grown accustomed to searching outside ourselves for answers that we rarely take a moment to be still and listen to that inner voice. in many ways, as we grow into adulthood we stop listening to that intuitive voice because it's so much easier to have someone else tell us what to do. it's time to go back..........time to reflect on how we want to live our lives and stop listening to all the chitta(sanskrit: means negative chatter). in order to build strong communities, we have to have strong unions. there has to be a conscious commitment from both individuals to put more value on the union instead of sex, money and material things. we have to show each other(men/women, men/men, women/women) that we value each other as human beings. that we respect each other and want to only the best for one another. maybe then we'll all live happily ever after and separation/divorce will become a thing of the past. i'd like to recommend the book for the sake of the bride. it was written by a dear friend of mine, kenneth lewis. in it he shares his personal story, antedotes, scriptures and ways to strengthen and preserve one's marriage. the book is available on amazon.com http://tinyurl.com/3vbx27f and any where paperback books are sold.

Do we expect too much?

For the past 3 weeks, I've gone to a meditation class.  You're probably wondering, why do I need a meditation class.  Afterall, I AM a yoga teacher so I should already know how to meditate right?  Well, while I'm familiar with the concept of meditation, there's a HUGE difference between knowing something and actually doing something.  Meditation happens to be one of those thing for me.  I know about it and the wonderful benefits of it, yet I never really take the time to sit still long enough to practice it.  It's a real challenge for me to sit completely still and clear my head of everything.  There is one topic that keeps coming up in our discussions:  expectations.  In sanskrit we call it raga.  Raga means making demands.  It's one of the four branches of avidya I referred to earlier.  We expect certain things from our jobs:  that we'll have one in the morning, we'll get paid on time, have healthcare benefits for ourselves and family members.  We expect things from our partner:  that they're faithful, trustworthy, supportive of us in our time of need.  We expect things from our friends:  that they're good listeners, share similar likes & dislikes, provide a shoulder to cry on, have something positive to say when everything else seems to be going wrong.  The list can go on & on.........What happens when our expectations aren't met?  We get upset, angry, even depressed because things don't go the way we planned. 

How do you let go of  your expectations?  We can't control what others do, say, think or feel about us.  In order to FREE ourselves, we have to STOP making demands.  We have to STOP putting pressure on ourselves and others.  By detaching ourselves from the outcome we begin to appreciate all that is positive in our lives.  Once we do that, we have gained control over raga and can experience a sense of clarity.

Perception & Action - The Intro

Avidya is the sanskrit term meaning "incorrect comprehension". It can be understood as the accumulated result of our many unconscious actions, the actions and ways of perceiving that we have been mechanically carrying out for years. As a result of these unconscious responses, the mind becomes more and more dependent on habits until we accept the actions of yesterday as the norms of today.(T.K.V. Desikachar, The Heart of Yoga)

Ask yourself, are you seeing and thinking clearly? If you continue to take the same approach to a problem, you're bound to get the same results. In the famous words, of T. Harv Eker, "Fix the roots, not the fruits." Our outward appearance is a manifestation of what lies within us. If you don't like what you see in the mirror, if you don't like what you've become, if you find that you're stuck in a rut then it's time for change. It's time to for a different approach. A new approach will lead to better results. Understand that we ARE the creators of our lives.

There are four branches to avidya:  asmita(ego), raga(making demands), dvesa(rejecting things) and abinivesa(fear).  Notice how each branch interplays with the other and how it affects your life.  I plan to write about each branch over the next few months.  It might not be in the order as listed here.  My form of writing is inspirational; when I'm in the mood or something happens, I write.  Stay tuned, you never know what can happen.............

The Ugly Truth

OMG!!!!!!  yesterday i experienced an emotion that i hadn't experienced in a long time.  this emotion is referred to by many names one being the green eyed monster also called jealousy.  you're probably wondering what happened............did someone say something or act in a foolish way to stir up this particular emotion.  i can honestly tell you it was none of the above.  it was a comment posted on a social network(it's not facebook).  it was so strange.  one minute i'm reading comments posted in the discussion forum then all of a sudden i see this comment and the first thought that jumps into my head is "oh no she didn't!!!!  who does she think she is trying to step to my man!!!!"  the irony is i'm single.  i'm not married, i'm not engaged, i'm not in a committed relationship so how could i call this person MY man?  WHOA i had to check myself and fast.  what was causing this insecurity? why was i taking it so personally?  the comment had nothing to do with me; it didn't even refer to me.  it was my interpretation, my inability to see clearly (avidya ~ sanskrit) that was causing me to feel this way.  the feeling that i was losing something that i felt was rightfully mine(though i have no claim to it).  how many times have you acted, said or done something so stupid because you were completely blinded by e-motion(energy in motion)?  in the past, i have done things that would make a priest blush all because i thought i was right or owed an explanation.  in this case, there was nothing to explain because nothing happened.  what i read was a comment shared between two people in a public forum; that's it.  nothing more, nothing less.  i could either accept it for what it was or make myself sick with worry trying to read more into it.  i chose to accept it and move on.  trust me, i'm a work in progress and have my moments.  what's important is recognizing what happens and taking the immediate steps to correct it.

earlier today, i watched an episode of one of my favorite shows Ghost Whisperer.  the episode was about a ghost who died as a result of his jealousy.  sound familiar?  was this coincidence?  i don't think so.  it showed what can happen when people suspect the worst.  it started as an innocent prank on a radio show.  one character wanted, needed reassurance that her husband was faithful.  it didn't matter how many times he said i love you she didn't believe him.  because of her insecurity and constant accusations he left to be with another woman(who so happened to be the former fiance of the ghost).  they got together AFTER the guy(aka ghost) went missing.  but that's not how the wife or the ghost saw it.  the ghost died on his way to confront the fiance he thought was cheating.  turns out it was all a great misunderstanding; no one was cheating.  the perception and feeling of inadequacy that the jilted parties felt blinded them from the truth.  their partners cared about them and wouldn't have done anything to jeopardize their respective relationships.  i really appreciated the message the episode gave.  instead of wasting time trying to impress others, seeking their approval, or asking them accept us unconditionally we have to accept ourselves for who we are and recognize the beauty that surrounds us.  by looking within, we can find all that we need and don't have to place unrealistic expectations on others.  sting said it best "if you love someone, set them free".  jealousy is an unhealthy e-motion that results from fear.  i choose to live a life withOUT fear.  by doing that, i FREE myself.

Can Love Conquer All?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!!  I hope all of you had a blessed, peaceful and relaxing holiday.

For the past few weeks I've wanted to write about love.  You know the romantic kind of love; the type of love you see in the movies, read in books and fantasize about.  You know that mushy feeling you get when you see the person that sends your heart all a flutter.

I was watching a movie this afternoon and wondered, "Can love conquer everything?"  I mean, really.........does love trump reality?  In light of all the celebrity scandals in 2009, I think it's safe to say that LOVE isn't enough to keep a relationship going.  Since this is a new year and the beginning of a new decade I won't dredge up all the examples, all you have to do is turn on the tv or read the entertainment section.  When did LOVE stop being enough?  I believe in love; I like being in love.  All is right with the world:  colors are vivid & bright, food tastes better, getting stuck in ATL traffic isn't as annoying(and trust me the only thing worse than traffic in Atlanta is LA traffic; they drive crazy over there) but I digress.  Everything is GREAT when you're in love.  Then something happens, the honeymoon ends(usually around 6 months) and things that you were able to ignore or thought were cute start to annoy the S@%T out of you.  Mind you, the person always had these habits he/she hasn't changed BUT now you WANT them to change.  So you start working out ways to fix them, mold them, trying to get them to do things that will in the end(hopefully) re-create the feelings you had in the beginning.

Problem is, sometimes it doesn't work.  Sometimes you grow a part.  You may feel that you've invested too much time and effort into making this relationship work so you're not willing to walk away.  Even though it's painfully obvious that both of you are UNhappy.  When you're dating, walking away is easier(unless they're psychotic).  What happens when you're married?  There was a time when couples stayed together for the sake of the children.  You don't see that now.  Staying in an unhealthy situation is never the answer; it doesn't solve anything.  All it does is create a hostile environment and sets a poor example for children.  Then there's the alimony and spousal support.  I used to think that women deserved the amount of money they got.  That frame of mentality has changed.  Some of this ish doesn't make sense anymore.  How can a person demand $76,000/month in alimony?  As Ed Lover would say, "C'mon Son!!!!"  Have we as women lost our forsaken minds?  Each case is different, but I'm saying though.............WTF?  If you're a woman who never worked and held your man down while he took on the world that's one thing.  There was a time when women didn't have access to education or job opportunities.  That's not the case today.  Is it rational to ask for a large sum of money just to maintain your level of lifestyle?  What happened to getting a job and setting an example?  Then we wonder why men don't want to be married!!!  I don't even buy into the shortage of men.  That's straight up BULLS@&T .  Divorce is expensive as hell. 

A friend criticized me once for wanting the perfect man.  I told him plainly that what I expected wasn't perfection.  I want someone who is a provider.  Men are hunters and gathers; go hunt, bring home the kill so I can cook it, dayum it.  My role is to hold you down while you're out taking on the world.  I want someone who is honest; don't tell me what you think is going to make me happy.  There's a proper way to tell the truth without bruising my ego, in turn I pledge not to ask stupid questions like "does this outfit make me look fat" or "do you miss me" or "so what do you think about when we're alone together".  Be trustworthy, have table manners, show compassion to those less fortunate.  And when someone steps to me the wrong way, be ready to WHOOP that ASS!!!!  Is that asking too much?  I don't like the term submissive.  Believe me when I tell you that there are certain men in my life who I don't go off on.  I don't do it because they're handling business and not going to tolerate it.  A male friend says all a man wants is peace.  Ladies let me tell you he's telling the absolute truth.  A man will give you the shirt off his back(literally) once he knows that you support him.  It's okay to disagree and have a different point of view, men don't want robots.  A man needs to know that the woman in his life respects him. 

Does love play a role?  LOVE is a fleeting emotion(i.e. energy in motion).  Our feelings change every minute of the day.  For a relationship to work, for the planet to heal, for humanity to evolve there has to be more than love.  All that is good has to be put into practice and lived as a code of honor, only then will LOVE conquer all.

Latino in America

I watched all four parts today. Soledad O'Brien did a WONDERFUL job. The only topic that wasn't covered was the issue of color. Many don't realize that color discrimination exists amongst Latinos. Its an unspoken rule that if you were dark skinned; you should marry someone who was lighter to improve the race so that the future generation can have good hair and be more accepted. (sound familiar?)

Besides that, the series was on point; especially the part about the conflicts between mothers and daughters. Once I hit my teens, my relationship with my mom was strained because I wanted to be like the other girls (i.e. wearing make-up, mini skirts, go out on dates, go to parties unsupervised etc.) My mom was VERY strict about stuff like that. When she grew up, girls didn't start wearing make-up until they turned 15. (I snuck out the house with a tube of lip gloss at 13 and would wipe it off before I got home). You weren't allowed to date until you turned 16; even then her parents had to meet the boy’s parent to determine the young man's character. If her parents didn't like him or his family, there was no dating. PERIOD!!!! End of story.  You didn't ask why, you did what you were told. I was fortunate because a lot of my friend’s parents shared the same feelings. I wanted my independence and felt denied. It was still difficult seeing other kids do things I wanted to do but couldn't. In my case wouldn't dare try to do because my parents had instilled the fear of
G O D in me and made me think that if I stepped out of line I'd end up in HELL!!!

One of the most disturbing parts was seeing the girl put her family's needs before her education. The machismo mentality that girls aren't worth educating is heartbreaking. It creates a never ending cycle of poverty. Girls feel that their only purpose in life is motherhood. It's constantly reinforced. I remember the shame parents felt if their daughter got pregnant. Having a child out of wedlock was next to dying because it brought shame to your family. Back when I was growing up, girls were sent away to live with distant relatives and told to lie. Even in my own family, it was a taboo subject. It's obvious that the only way out of poverty is through education but with such a high drop out rate, these kids are destined to repeat the same mistakes. I hope she stays focused and finishes school. Having a child doesn't mean the end of the world. With the right support, she will achieve great things.

The second disturbing part was the children being held at Boystown. I'm happy that the young lady was given a visa to stay in the States. I blame the mother for what happened. She put her personal needs before that of her children. Many parents come to the States and leave their children with relatives in pursuit of a better life. Yet this woman must have known that her mother was dying of cancer and there was no one left to take care of her children. She started a new life and didn't have time for her former life. When did it become okay to have a 12 year old fend for herself? The young woman showed tremendous bravery and courage, but her manner of going about it was extremely dangerous and reckless. She could have easily drowned crossing the Rio Grande. There are plenty of people who never make it across the border because a coyote (human trafficker) has killed them for their money.

My favorite part of the show was the story of the Puerto Rican gentleman learning English. He is a clear example why mastery of the English language is vital for success in America. Even though he is an American citizen, his job prospects are slim because no one can understand what he is saying. When my mom came here in 1968, she didn't speak a word of English. She was miserable and felt alienated, but she didn't let that stop her. She taught herself English by watching TV and taking night classes. She knew that in order to succeed and create a better life, she had to learn the language. Learning English and assimilating into American culture didn't make her less Cuban.

Overall, the great series was informative and gave a glimpse into the lives of Latinos in America.

Yoga Proven to Relieve Chronic Lower Back Pain

The following article was published in last week's Parade under the Get Fit Now. Article was written by Michael O'Shea.

Good news for people with aching backs: a recent study funded by the National Institutes of Health suggests that yoga may help relieve chronic lower-back pain--and the depression associated with it--better than conventional medicine.

For the study, published in the journal Spine, researchers assigned people with chronic back pain to either traditional treatment such as pain medication or twice weekly Iyengar-style yoga therapy for 24 weeks. Those in the yoga group had reduced pain and greater function, and demonstrated a more significant reduction in symptoms of depression. Six months after the yoga regimen had ended, they continued to benefit.

Iyengar yoga emphasizes attention to detail and a precise focus on body alignment created by specific muscular movements. It is known for its use of "props"--including wall ropes, chairs and blocks--to help support people in various postures or asanas. These props make the positions easier for beginners and also decrease the strain on joints and muscles. The goal is to align the body, mind and spirit for health and well-being. Just say, "Om."

It doesn't matter what style of yoga you choose to practice: Iyengar, Hatha, Bikram(aka Hot Yoga), Ashtanga, Kundalini or Vinyasa. Select a style that best suits your lifestyle and comfort level.

Namaste