Is race a factor when learning yoga?

as many of you know, i was supposed to attend a yoga retreat this past weekend. i was really excited because this particular practice is new to me. i expected some challenges and thought with the group support it would be a breeze. instead, the shit turned into a fcuking nightmare. i want to be clear, the facilitators are great; i'm not blaming them for anything that happened because it was out of their control. first, the logistics: when you have people coming from out of town telling them about PARKING are critical. i spent an hour driving around trying to find a parking space. as a result i missed the entire opening yoga sequence that binds the group together. my purpose for attending was to deepen my practice and engage in the therapeutics. this sets the foundation for the practice. without trust, there's no way you can properly support a member of the trio. because i was so preoccupied with PARKING(every 2 fcuking hours) i couldn't be present and focus on what was being taught. i left the room to get help with the PARKING app; that was another 20 minutes. when i tried to rejoin the group i was told i couldn't. mind you, i've missed an entire hour and now this tree(dude was that tall) is telling me i have to sit outside until the group is done and he'll tell me when i can go back in. first thought through my mind is WTF DUDE!!! i would have stayed in the room but thought it was disrespectful. i didn't want to get a ticket; i figured it was best to handle the situation PRONTO. tick tock, tick tock another 30 minutes passes by and i can finally enter the room right before we break for lunch. lucky me(can you sense the sarcasm here) i get lunch since i've had nothing to eat and hope for a better afternoon.

lo and behold this only gets worse(as if that was possible). we break up into groups of 3 and for whatever reason, i feel completely isolated and alone because no one seems interested in working with me. i ask one lady standing by the wall if we can practice together and i sense her disinterest. it isn't until a very cheery white lady joins us that she cheers up. so i'm thinking to myself.....do i smell? is there a sign on my forehead that says damaged goods? we finish the sequences and the facilitator says switch groups. like a gaggle of geese, those who know each other and have bonded are off working together. at this point, i feel like the ugly duckling because i'm standing alone looking lost. i hide out in the bathroom for as long as i can and plan on joining the group on the next series. the next exercise is communication. i have a very O P E N throat chakra(like you haven't noticed that by now). i ask 3 ladies if i can join their group. everyone has to say something positive and provide feedback about the last series to the other members of the group. since i didn't participate in the last sequence there's not much for me to add. my nerves are fried, attitude sucks balls and all i want to do is curl up to a bottle of chilled tequila and get drunk. i do my best to keep it light because everyone else is happy, hippie and feeling yummy. got damn it, i want to feel yummy too but it's not happening and the more i try to force it the more i crave that bottle of tequila. i don't know why i chose tequila at that particular moment, i never really drank it much but it seemed like the perfect drink for this screwed up situation.

the facilitator says that it's OKAY(remember this because it's really important) for us to sit out if we're not feeling present. we can STAY and watch, go for a walk and rejoin the group when we're ready. since this series was more complicated than the last one and i only had 15 minutes left on my parking meter, i thought it best to sit it out. i'm practically hiding in the corner like a feral cat trying my best to stay out of everyone's way when bi-racial chick with buggy eyes tells me that if i'm not participating i HAVE TO leave. emphasis on the words "have to". fighting back tears, i tell her that i'm going to watch and my parking is about to expire that i'll join the group when everyone finishes this series. at this point, the heffa tells me i can do that outside in the lobby. beoytch i don't want to sit in the lobby. i didn't fly all the way from atlanta to sit in the fcuking lobby. i tell this cow that this is the 3rd time i'm been asked to leave. she's acknowledges what i said and goes on and on about safety and all this other bullshit. at this point, i've had enough. i want to ram my fist down her throat. i grab my stuff to leave. now she takes it seriously that i'm upset and asks tries to stop me from leaving. i'm storming down the stairs and she has the nerve audacity to say that i'll miss the announcements. does it look like i muthafcuking care about some got damn bullshit announcements? really heffa? are you that stupid, that you can't tell when another black woman is past her wits end? apparently, this trick didn't get it......because she was still talking. STFU!!!!!! the icing on the cake came when she told the white receptionist to keep an eye on me. really beoytch? as angry as i am with tears streaming down my face do you really think that i would jeopardize my freedom and fcuk up someones business over your sorry ass? the cherry on to top came when she said she hopes i'd come back tomorrow so we can work together. i wanted to round house kick her ass up the flight of stairs. i was floored, disgusted, insulted, pissed the fcuk off, shocked that a fellow yogi could be that freaking insensitive. that another woman, presumably a person of color would go out of her way to impress her white counterparts at the expense of another person, namely me.

everything that happened this weekend, put this practice in such a negative light. i've spent the last few days wondering if this is something i want to continue pursuing. i met a lot of cool people last november. i thought i was ready for this. i was the only black person taking yoga back in state college or at least it felt that way. i wasn't put off because everyone had a common goal and that was to practice yoga. this experience brought up more questions than answers. instead of feeling relaxed and uplifted, i left feeling dejected and depressed. that's not the experience i paid for. for those of you who practice yoga or any type of healing modality is this common? do you feel like the outcast in the group? in case you're wondering, i didn't go back. i didn't have the heart to. i felt so defeated and couldn't express myself without cursing and crying that i stayed in VA and played with my friend's dog. he made me laugh because he farted. that's another story for another day. peace      

RACE IN AMERICA....the continuing saga

i'm sure many of you saw the cnn special: Black in America. it was much better than i thought it would be. i'm not a big fan of documentaries. i watch tv to FORget my troubles, not to be reminded of them. they really did a great job. in 4 hours they covered a number of topics affecting the black community. my friend did raise an important question: who was this documentary REALLY for? which got me thinking....it wasn't for black people. we know what the problems are because we either lived through it or know someone who is going through it right now. then it hit me, it was for white people. no offense to the white people who understand the struggle because there are many of you out there. it was for the white people who wonder WHY black people are always so MAD. it made perfect sense. it presented the facts with statistics(because we know how much white people LOVE numbers) and it put a face to the story.

now no one(mainly white folks) can deny that what WE as black people experience is real. it doesn't matter how much money or how successful you are....there are still some people who resent you for it. they don't feel that you deserve a fair shot, simply because you are black. it wasn't too long ago that black folks were forced to sit in the back of the bus, didn't have access to education or weren't allowed to votes. YES!!!! things have definitely changed and for the better. but we're not colorblind and a lot more still need to be done. race still plays a major role in how decisions are made. let's face it, companies admitted that they would rather hire an uneducated, white felon than a fully qualified black applicant. it's sad and it HURTS!!!! it doesn't matter how many degrees you have or what school you went to, you still may get overlooked because of your skin complexion. another thing that makes black people so damn MAD is companies that prefer to hire illegals(yes i went there). these companies avoid paying taxes and healthcare benefits because they're more concerned about making higher profits than they are people. or worse, there are some companies that don't want to deal with unions, so they'll close locations here in the US and move jobs overseas. face it if you're undocumented companies aren't responsible for giving you a decent living wage or working conditions. hell, you might not even get paid for a full days work. i mean who gonna call ......the department of labor, INS, homeland security? HA!!! give me a break.

DIVIDE & CONQUER!!!! that's all it is. those in charge figure if they turn blacks against latinos and blacks & latinos against asians, then we'll finish each other off because we're too busy scurrying around for the same jobs. well i say ENOUGH!!! it's time that blacks, latinos and asians took this nation by storm and showed them who's really running things. we have more in common than they realize. latinos & asians aren't accepted any more than blacks because we speak a different language and folks are scared of that because they think you are talking about them. i'll admit, sometimes we are talking about you(but that's another blog). they don't want us(latinos & asians) to celebrate our culture/heritage because they're threatened by it. once you become a citizen, you're expected to adopt "american" culture and it's values. but what is american culture? and what are it's values? this country was built by immigrants. no one wants people to come here illegally(believe me the co$ts involved are high). everyone who comes here wants a better life for themselves and their families. so let's STOP fighting and JOIN forces!!!!! my mother always says you attract more with honey than you do with vinegar.

I've got the rest of the summer off because I'm UNEMPLOYED......

yes ladies and gentlemen, it's true. i'm now one of the many hundreds of thousands of people who has been laid off. i can't say that i was TOTALLY surprised. it had been 6 weeks since a new project had come in. most of the time, i was sitting there with nothing to do and i was online chatting my little fingers away.

it happened last monday. my boss called me into his office. he was so nervous...staring down at his hands, wringing them and s@&t. he told me that i was a good drafter and could get things done quickly. at the same time, he had another drafter on staff who cost the company less money to pay. then he said i was a decent designer but i needed more supervision than he could provide. the recent hire required less supervision and had more experience than me(which is true because she's done more commerical work than me) so it was easier to keep her on staff because he didn't have to go over her work as thoroughly. then there was that matter that there weren't any new projects coming in. he admitted that the company was busy for the past months that he neglected to call his clients for new work. now 6 weeks later, he has an entire office full of people with nothing and i do mean NOTHING to do. as much as he regretted telling me, he was going to let me go because after much discussion (i wonder if he was referring to the BIGOT in the office; i didn't bother to ask) it was decided that i would be the best candidate to lay off since i would bounce back on my feet more quickly than the others. now, i'm not sure if i should take that as a compliment or as an insult. in other words, and you can all correct me if i'm wrong....he's saying that the others are incapable of finding other jobs, not smart enough to find other jobs or too stupid to find other jobs? i'm not sure which... he didn't say anything negative. he knows that i will not tolerate being disrespected. there's a HUGE difference between constructive criticism and disrespect. this man can be downright disrespectful. there were countless times when he's called my colleagues stupid and incompetent. i don't allow my mother to call me by those names, wtf made him think that i would let his curry eating a$$ get away with it. we had a major blowout last year. i'm not having it....i don't give a rat's a$$ who you are. most people will sell their souls for a paycheck; i'm not one of those people. i'm a person with integrity. how many people can say that nowadays?

i don't miss the place at all. i don't miss leaving my house at 6:15-6:30 in the morning, getting stuck in traffic on I-285 and having to do the whole thing over again in the evening. i don't miss the architect who referred to sconces(lighting fixtures) as scones(english pastries). i don't miss the architects who are so damn cheap, they give you no information on what they want but expect the design to be done to their liking in under a week. i don't miss the office loud mouth who has an opinion on everything and was always up in everyone's business. i don't miss the religious, right wing zealot who claims to be a Christian but has no tolerance for people of different faiths. i don't miss the russian robot who after 20+ years in this country still hasn't bothered to master the English language. i don't miss the southern belle who after a year's time still can't draft worth a lick. i don't miss my former boss who would ask for my honest opinion then would turn around and do the exact OPPOSITE of what i said. and most of all, i don't miss the big headed, puffed up chest, yea y gap saber toothed, dry cleaned white shirt, charlie brown look-a-like BIGOT who worked there. he'll get his in due time. GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY!!!!! he may have won the battle, but he certainly can't win the war. he likes to surround himself with negative, weak minded, submissive people. believe me, all of the people i just finished describing are like that. they live their lives in fear. always playing the role of a "victim" instead of "victor". i'm happy to say that i was the one individual whose spirit he could not break. it only shows you how powerful GOD really is. last year was not a good time for me. i was depressed and listless. i allowed that jacka$$ to have power over me and my emotions. once i reclaimed what was rightfully mine and stood my ground, this fool knew it was over. i'm sure he wanted to see me out the door long before this but my boss was hesitant because there was no one else in the office to do the work. now they have someone who apparently is getting paid less than me(i wonder if she knows that given she has a family and all). at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. i have my family, my own business and an unsurpassed set of skills and knowledge that would make any large firm happy to have me. i'm on my grind now. i've been blessed in more ways than words could possibly describe. everyone who i've told has said the same thing....they can't believe that i was the one let go. those who REALLY know me know how unhappy i was and how anxious i was to leave. they know the REAL reasons why. what's funny is that everyone comes to the same conclusion.....this is the universe's way of saying it's time for me to grow as a person and as an entrepreneur. everything ALWAYS works out for the best.

smooches, until the next time..............