At some point in our lives, we've all been involved in a romantic relationship that has consumed us entirely(i.e. physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually, sexually etc.). We thought we had found the one. You know what I'm referring to......the one is the person you would give up your life for just to see them happy. the one is the person who can call you at anytime(day or night) and ask you to do something and you would drop whatever you were doing to be at their side.
The beginning of the relationship is what I call the "honeymoon" period. You're getting to know each other better, the sex is off the chandeliers and everything is going smoothly. As time goes on, you begin to notice things that irritate the s@&t out of you. Like the lack of table manners(i.e. mixing all the food on their plate into on BIG blob of junk). Maybe it's their lack of cleanliness(i.e. not making their bed, using a the same towel that was on the floor to wipe themselves with). Or, it could be the way they talk(i.e. using the word "like" or "yo" 10,000 times in sentence). This is the transition stage.
Then it happens...an event/incident occurs that causes you to change the way you see this person. It need not be traumatic. They stop supporting you and your endeavors. They become jealous your success. Maybe they are intimidated by your passion and drive to reach for something better(i.e. self-improvement). Or, worse yet, they leave you hanging high & dry to pick up all the pieces at a time when you really needed them the most. NOTHING can prepare you for this moment. Usually there is no indication. The rose colored glasses come off and you realize they're human, that maybe they are not the one for you. So you go back and begin to analyze and dissect the relationship from day one to see if you missed any of the signs. Sometimes people will pretend to be something that they aren't or say what they think we want to hear so they can get what they want from us. It may take months or years for the smoke to clear before you find out who they really are.
Now that you've determined that they are not the one, you decide to end the relationship. It hurts to leave, but you know if you stay it will only get worse; so, you try to make it as painless as possible but it's never easy. You don't want a confrontation. Emotions are high, words are exchanged and true feelings are revealed that have been suppressed for way too long. You both walk away hurt, tired, upset and drained. It feels like someone has taken your heart, ripped it out of your chest, stomped all over it and fed it right back to you. You become depressed; you lose the will to eat, sleep, drink. You distance yourself from your friends, avoid certain places and HATE all love songs. It feels like the pain is never going to end. Everything around you reminds you of that person; that person you would have given your life for if they asked for it. We may try to self medicate in an attempt to forget what we've lost(i.e. drink, abuse drugs, have casual sex). We'll do, take, drink anything to dull the pain. With the right support, we can avoid destructive behavior and express our pain through a constructive outlets(i.e. writing, chanting, painting, composing music, exercising etc.)
Eventually, time goes on, the pain lessens bit, by bit, by bit......till it becomes a dull ache. We move on with our lives; meet new people and maybe make ourselves vulnerable again for another romantic relationship. Then it happens.....the phone rings and it's the EX on the line. You remain cordial, speaking in generalities. S/he asks you the question no one EVER wants to hear, "do you miss me? Do you think about me at all? Do you think we can give it another try?" This is a very, VERY, V E R Y delicate situation if you were the dumper. Obviously, you broke up for a reason. You don't want to come off as a cold hearted, good for nothing son of a b@%ch and say no. At the same time, you know in your heart that there is nothing there for you. No amount of money, time or material possession would ever cause you to go back. You have two choices: lie to save face or tell the truth and have the person on the other end hate you from now till judgement day. I chose the latter. I wasn't coming from a place of anger or hate. I was being honest. I said I didn't have a problem talking on the phone every so often but I didn't wish to pursue a "romantic" relationship. I thought(silly me tricks are for kids.......) that I made myself crystal clear. I started getting phone calls once a week sometimes 4 times a day starting with "hey sexy, how ya doin'? gee, you must be real busy cause every time I call it goes straight to voicemail. alright, I'll talk to you later. i love you, bye". EEEEWWW, as if........ I'm scratching my head wondering, "what the f@ck is this fool thinking?" An entire year has gone by without so much as a word and he thinks we can pick up where we left off like nothing happened. He still thinks I'm that depressed, confused, unclear person.
I do the only thing I can, I call to set the record straight. I'm not going to give the guy "false hope". I don't want him thinking he can sweet talk his way back into my life. IT'S OVER DAMN IT!!!! Keep it moving. After 4 days of non-stop calling and getting the voicemail he answers. I tell him there's nothing he can EVER do to rekindle that flame. The train has passed. The only thing I can offer is friendship and even that is limited. I don't want calls at all hours of the night or any unannounced visits to my house. If he's in town and wants to grab a bite to eat then cool but I don't want him to go out of his way thinking that he's going to win me over. Do you know what this ignorant DONKEY(hee haw, hee haw) did? He hung up the phone on me in mid sentence. What a wonderful way to show me that you've changed buddy?!!!! Like that's really going to get you in my good graces. I really didn't think he would go out like a punk. I'm glad I ended it because I have a friend suffering from a broken heart. He done that he can to win his woman back, but she has moved on to someone else. I don't know her but you'd have to be BLIND not see the love he has for her. It's heart wrenching. He knows she still has feelings for him but she'd rather pursue the "new" romantic relationship than go back to something familiar. I've been telling him, women of a certain age are only going to wait around so long. She gave him hints and clues that she wanted him back but her pride prevented her from coming right out and saying it. Now he's miserable because the woman he loves is with someone else.
S&@t happens and it happens to all of us. Treasure the person you are with when you are with them. Don't take them for granted. There are plenty of fish in the sea. What you don't do, someone else will. Step up your game. It's not always about the $$$$$$. If you are a man and want your woman to submit, you have to be a leader. Don't come with some lame excuse that you're waiting to be "put on" and eventually you'll get you ish together. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I don't care how many songs or books of poetry you write, it don't mean a thing when (we) got bills to pay. You want me to follow, submit, be submissive.....then PROVE to me that you will do whatever it takes. Be a provider, show me that you have initiative, that you take pride in your work and in yourself. You gotta have friends and downtime. I don't want you to be all up under me; I need my space too. I want you to be the best man you can be. I'll step aside and let you do your thing if your thing is tight. Women aren't asking for much. It sounds cliche but I'll say it anyway....BE A MAN!!!!! Do the damn thing. Stop using excuses that your father wasn't there or you didn't have a good role model to follow so you don't know how to be a better man. The simple fact that he wasn't there for you is a clear indication of what you should do.....DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE DID!!!!!!
Ladies, yall ain't gettin off the hook either. If you want a man to provide, you need to start acting like women with a purpose. A man wants a woman who will support him, cook a hot meal for him, rub his back after a long day at work and keep it FREAKY in the bedroom. The same rules apply, if you don't/won't do it to keep him happy, best believe he's going to find someone else who will. Most married men don't look for the "other woman". The "other woman" goes after your man because you slept on what you had. She's encourages him with her words, doesn't nag and buys the sexiest lingerie to keep his attention. She gets her hair, nails and pedicure done on a regular basis. Look at all the articles that come out in the popular magazines talking about the "other woman." Your man strays because there's too much stress and tension between the two of you. His home is no longer his castle. What man wants to come home to hear you nagging and complaining? Give him some breathing space. Ask him how is day was and let him talk; don't interrupt. Give him a hug and mean it. Watch how his whole persona changes. Take the time to do the things you did when you were dating. Make him feel special.
It's all what you make of it. There are happy couples out there. Love has its challenges but it shouldn't hurt. It's about compassion, caring, compromise and it has NO EXPECTATIONS!!! Let me repeat that again for those of you who are a little bit slow......LOVE HAS NO EXPECTATIONS!!!! Give it away freely and expect nothing in return.
Sainara, my little grasshoppers....till we meet again.
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